losing my cool

Emma has started this very annoying and unsafe habit of going nuts when we change her diaper. To paint a clearer picture, going nuts means flailing her appendages, arching her back, screaming, scooting backwards, putting her feet in the diaper (not so bad when it is clean, but rather icky when it is dirty), rolling over, trying to sit up, trying to stand, etc. And usually all of this is happening at once, or faster than I can shove a diaper under her and wrap it around. And since the changing table is the top of her dresser, which comes up to my chest, any sudden movements could result in a long fall to the floor. Not a good thing.

So today I was changing her before her nap and she started to go nuts. I was putting a disposable diaper on her (I have to do laundry!) so the task should have been easier. However, she was really going nuts in a major way. It made me start to go nuts (completely different picture mind you and not so flattering to an adult), and I tried pinning her down with my arms. She is so strong! I failed to restrain her and the diaper kept getting kicked off while Emma's head was dangling farther and farther off the other end. I was getting to frustrated and mad.I tried telling her that if she would stop it would be over sooner. (Was that to comfort her or me?) I could feel the rage rising and I wanted to walk away to calm down. (But you can't leave her on the dresser!) So, with super mommy strength I got the diaper around her, scooped her up and onto the floor (not with much particular gentleness. Not hard, but certainly not with loving tenderness.). I walked into the bathroom to the sounds of her crying. She followed me. (So much for getting some space!) I washed my hands, counted to ten, told myself that I need to be patient and understanding and most of all that I need her to know that how I acted was not okay. (Be gentle and loving and say you are sorry.)

Now I scooped her up with great care, snuggling her and covering her with kisses. Then I walked into her room telling her that I was sorry. That I need her to listen to Mama. That she needs to be safe on the changing table; that Mama does not want her to get hurt. That she needs to lie still when we are changing her. That Mama loves Emma so much. That Mama loves Emma so much.

Emma stayed still while I changed her. She was snuggled in my arms while I read to her. She feel right to sleep when I put her in her crib. (Mama loves Emma.) She is so precious.

I want to blame my loss of patience on PMS, and that would be a viable physical reason considering my cycle. BUT, on the other hand I don't want to blame anyone or anything but me. I lost my cool, and I need to work on being patient in the toughest moments. I don't want Emma to think that losing her cool is a good choice. This is another lesson in life for me. I will learn from it, and I will do better next time. For Emma.